she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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