The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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