you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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