Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize