So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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