OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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