May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize