I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
