She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
