Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
two words: eviction party
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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