Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
