Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
