I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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