she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
