Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
