Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
