my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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