Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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