I am puke
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
