What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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