John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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