I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
