I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
