I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
