barbara walters just said penis...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize