i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
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