I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
