Welp...herpes.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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