She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
