I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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