I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
This house was built for laser tag.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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