how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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