dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
