I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
