I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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