I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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