Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
