I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
