I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
