i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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