She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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