Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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