At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
