My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The best revenge is premature balding
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
