in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
