Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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