omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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