In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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