Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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