Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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