You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
