Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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