You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
