forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
