I like to think it a success when the cops are called
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Randomize
