Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
