I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
