I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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