I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
